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I am so tired of being in these cycles of not holding myself accountable. I feel like garbage about myself so often and I am tired of it. I can work around the thoughts, but not cast them out. I am tired of hating myself. I am tired of having no discipline and not rising to the occasion to improve my life, when I know I am in dire need of it. My life is generally easy and I constantly fuck myself over by wasting all my free time doing nothing. I need to apply for jobs. I need to put a budget in place and be more thoughtful with my spending. But I don’t want to. Everything feels so hard. My sense of discipline and my ability to focus are completely shot. I want to be so much more than I am, but the work to get there feels so insurmountable. I wish I were more proud of myself. I wish I were more proactive. I want to live in a beautiful place and have hope for the future. But I am so bitter and disinterested all the time. I’m tired now. I don’t want to work all day tomorrow. Everything I do feels like such a waste of time. I wish I could get a life coach to push me to take better care of myself and my life. At least I got a couple of things done today. But I wish I would commit to breaking these stupid cycles that don’t serve me. Living with executive functioning issues is endlessly frustrating.

Sad

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I just want to feel less stressed. Want to *feel* life, instead of fearing it or waiting time to cluelessly pass. I’m energetic, was, want my energy back. Help. Despair. No reason to do any act. Fuck.